— Untitled, and written by Diego Grijalva, inside a “chatbook” called, “I Will Eat You and Gobble You Up: Tales of Sci-Fi Horror & Niceties”, an elementary student and budding author, guided by 826LA’s writing tutors based in Echo Park, Los Angeles, CA.
Billy Badazz (born Billy B. Badais) LAST WILL & TESTAMENT
I, Billy Badazz, residing in my beautiful seaside house in Redondo Beach, CA, being of sound mind, do hereby make, publish and declare this to be my Last Will and Testament and do revoke any and all other Wills and Codicils heretofore made by me.
ARTICLE 1
1.1 – I direct payment of my debts, funeral expenses and expenses for administration of my estate.
1.1.2 – I have an $8,000 balance on my Chase Visa card, for all the Prada Bags I’ve bought for my wife to keep her happy. There you go honey, you inherited it all by yourself.
1.1.3 – I have a $50 tab from the local breakfast cafe, “Joe’s Shack”. I suggest Mateo “Matty”, my son, to inherit and pay this bill. Do you know how many pieces of pancake I’ve bought you throughout the years and you’ve never paid for one cup of coffee to treat me after I landed you your first job? Well there you go, $50 to pay “Joe”.
1.1.4 – My collection of dinged-up but trusty surfboards shaped by David Becker himself, will be given equally to my children, since Camilla, you can’t hardly surf for shit. Matty, I trust that you will make me proud.
1.1.5 – The Yamaha grand piano, my one and only instrument to connect me with my childhood, will be given up to my daughter, Valencia (“Val”), since she plays those classical tunes so nice and expressive, unlike my son Matty, who loves to play Coldplay covers. Shame on you, Mat.
1.1.6 – The espresso machine, which I dear love to keep me awake before my early morning sunrise journeys, will be given to my wife Camilla, because she is “the espresso shot to my life that leaves a bitter aftertaste, but leases a rush of energy to keep me going stronger”.
1.1.7 – The ‘67 volkswagen bug that I could barely keep to run every day, will be given to my baby brother William, because he’s been jealous of it since I inherited from our father in ’94. I let it rot out on the driveway on some days because I was too busy getting drunk at “The Happy Clam”. Sorry about that Will, the rust-bucket is all yours now.
1.1.8 – The custom, 500 gallon salt-water aquarium, situated in the middle of my living-room, will go to the house, whomever inherits the estate, as long as they feed the five rainbow fish, the two clown fishes “Oogie”, and “Boogie”, the five sea anemones, “Hoofy” the baby Seahorse, and my various aquatic friends living under the temporary sand which resembles the home environment I stole them from.
1.1.9. – I bequeath all of my fishing rods, along with all the bait and tackle, to my friends Wally, Pauly Paul, and my grade-school long lost lover, Joanna Krupa, as she herself has baited my sequestered love from the darkness, to only throw me back out because I wasn’t “big enough” for the competition.
1.2.0. – I request to NOT bequeath my original collection of G.I. Joes and Transformer toys on my desk, so I can be buried with them, for maintaining my life-long rule that imagination never fails during times of loneliness. Well, that and I don’t want them to end up in eBay somewhere for half the mark-up.
1.2.1. – The DVD collection that sits in my library will be given to the most avid movie-fan, from within my social and family circle. My lawyer will be given the task to ask you a simple set of four film-related questions to be answered correctly in order to receive this glorious set for life-affirming snippets of cinematic realities.
Questions:
1. What is the name of the Mexican town that Tim Robbin’s character (Andy Dufresne) in the 1994 flick, Shawshank Redemption, mentioning to Morgan Freeman’s character (Boyd “Red” Redding), in order to meet him with his treasure at the end?
2. How does the scene of Vince Vaughn’s character (Trent) go in “Swingers”, where he pumps up his best friend “Mikey”, to go and be like “a big bear, man”? (Line for line, please)
3. Which medium was better for the witty, entertaining ‘rom-com’ slash ‘dramadey’ vehicle, “High Fidelity”? The book? or the film? (answer: BOTH)
4. Which episode of Star Wars did I personally like the best? (answer: The Empire Strikes Back”)
5. Did you like Fast & The Furious? (If the interviewee says ‘yes’, drop him from the list of beneficiaries IMMEDIATELY)
1.2.2 – My one and only aquatic horse of the sea, “The Goony Goo-Goo”, a 1997 model 35-foot fishing boat will be given to my wife Camilla, because she represents the ship that broke the iceberg of my heart, yet went down with the ship as a proper captain would traditionally do. Just don’t forget to throw out the month’s old garbage, and old cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon inside the broken fridge, which smells a bit like a can of worms. In fact, throw those cans out IMMEDIATELY.
1.2.3 – Last, but not least, I will bequeath my ‘78 Lambretta Scooter to my hidden best friend of 20 years, Jose Mantekka. He deserves my prized-possession because of all the times I used to leave him in the dust when he’d only ride his regular road bike, taunting him like a schoolboy even until this day, saying things like “what’s the word, turd?!”, or “Hey! Your mom was good last nightttttttt…” I am sorry for all of those things. He deserves nothing but my respect and apology. Just please wax that baby once a week for me.
ARTICLE 2
2.1 – I give the rest of my estate to my wife, Camilla Badais. If she predeceases me, I give the rest of my estate to all my children, equally, share and share alike. Well, MAYBE. Camilla, I entrust you to be in charge of how our children behave. I know I said equal shares, but if they get out of line after I die, I want you to address to them, that 5% of their share will be deducted every time an incident comes or happens. That includes you too, Camilla. If anytime you get out of line and try to cheat my children, you will be deducted 3% (because you’re my wife) for every time an incident arises within the household. Too many incidents, and I will arise myself from the grave.
2.2 – If any beneficiary shall fail to survive me by 45 days, it shall be deemed that such person shall have predeceased me. I have good faith someone will succeed me in many ways. My son shall succeed me, because he carries the Badais bloodline, although rather diluted and estranged, it will carry on. Otherwise, adopt a child to hold a name in my honor!
2.3 – If neither my wife nor issue survive me, I direct that the rest of my estate be divided into four equal parts. I give one part to my wife’s parents, one part to my brother, William, one part to my daughter Valencia, and one part to my son Mateo. Like I said, if any of you get out of line, I will deduct 5% from each of you, and yes, from the grave.
ARTICLE 3
3.1 – I appoint my wife Executrix of this will. If she predeceases me, I appoint my younger brother (a) William Badais and his wife, Rosie Badais, to said office, and (b) as guardian of the person of each of my children. I direct that no appointee hereunder shall be required to give bond for the faithful performance of the duties of said office.
This Will has been prepared in duplicate, each copy of which has been executed as an original. One of these executed copies is in my possession and the other is deposited for safekeeping with my attorney, Larry H. Parker at 73731 S. Kinard Ave. Carson, CA 90745.
I, Billy Badazz, do hereby declare to the undersigned authority that I am 18 years of age or older, of sound mind, and under no constraint or undue influence (at least, not yet) willingly sign and execute this instrument as my Last Will and Testament in the presence of the following witnesses, who witnessed and subscribed this will at my request, and in my presence at Larry H. Parker’s office in Carson, CA on this 2nd day of January, 2035.
signed by, Billy B. Badais
WITNESSES
We, the witnesses, under penalties of perjury, sign our names to this instrument that Billy B. Badazz declared to be his last will and testament, and then willingly signed this instrument consisting of many pages in our presence on this 2nd day of January, 2035, at my residence in Redondo Beach, CA. We hereby further certify that to the best of our knowledge the Testator is over the age of 18; that the he/she signed this document freely and voluntarily, not under any duress or coercion and appeared to us to be of sound mind and memory. At least, not yet.
[Signature of Witness #1]
William Badais [Printed name of Witness #1]
2972 Columbia St, Torrance, CA 90503 [Address of Witness #1]
[Signature of Witness #2]
Rosie Badais [Printed name of Witness #2]
2972 Columbia St, Torrance, CA 90503 [Address of Witness #2]
[Signature of Witness #3]
Camilla Badais [Printed name of Witness #3]
761 Clark Ave. Redondo Beach, CA 90278 [Address of Witness #3]
Subscribed, sworn to, and acknowledged before me by Camilla Badais, the testatrix, and subscribed and sworn to before me by Larry H. Parker and William H. Badais, witnesses, this 2nd day of January, 2035.
"— From a T+A sesh in this Fall of 2009, a fictional character development process for “Billy Badazz”.
There are some quirky writings that are brewing with myself, and a group of other designers and illustrators which are designing, drawing, and writing an experimental publication with our own content as authors called “The Secret Room Anthology” (pending title). The project is currently in progress as we speak, brainstormed and produced, in the heart of Pasadena, CA.
Our mission is to create a complete fictional character with an in-depth knowledge of him or her from birth, and all the way ‘til death. To develop an interesting take on the character’s lives, we are inspired by our own, and giving them a fictional twist. Some are true, some are made up, and some are a little bit of both. We then twist it even further by intertwining these character snippets with each other, creating a hybrid “voice”, called an Exquisite Corpse. The format for the “Exquisite Corpse” by each author (there are 12) is that for every 5 lines is a statement in regard to that character’s age range. In other words, the first 5 lines depict the character’s state from 1-5 years old. The next 5 lines depict their character’s state from 6-10 years old, and so on and so on. To really understand how it works, I will post an excerpt from one of our Exquisite Corpse “jam session”:
“The first years were a blur. I was never happy with what was going on and I had no control. none of my friends ever said much and wasn’t much of a talker myself. Before I had teeth, I had a sweet tooth, so when my teeth came in they were rotten. I couldn’t wait to go to school.
She was standing there with her lunch bag and I couldn’t wait to grab it. Handball was my favorite sport at the time because my hand grew big from the smelling. Our 4th grade class always smelled like shit when the fat kid could never hold it in his pants. Those Hello Kitty stickers were so annoying. Pulling girl’s hairs behind the lunch bench was a favorite pastime.
They all screamed but I knew they liked it. They always liked it, just the way they liked to be chased, tagged, or pushed when we were younger. But now girls fantasize about having their hair pulled. I’ve seen this type of stuff in my older brother’s pornos. The girl screams with enjoyment, so the men pull harder. I wish I could be that happy all the time. I want to curl up and die. Shrivel up like an old apple. I thought being able to drive was going to make life easier. It’s just an excuse for people to get you to run errands for them, or drive them to run errands for themselves.
So I decided to do away with friends entirely. Even my 21st birthday was spent in solitude, alone in some little bar in New York City. I don’t know that being alone for so long was the greatest idea for me in retrospect. But I mean hey, we are who we choose to be, and I chose to be a loner until the age of 24. When I turned 25, I decided it was silly to keep up with the foolish anti-social lifestyle I had lived with for so long.
It’s time to get a real job. I’m in love with that waitress at the cafe down the street. We’ve eloped; we both agreed that weddings are lame. She’s sterile and I got a vasectomy 2 years ago. Oh well. My akita enjoys the taste of your toy dogs.
My kid does too. The dogs sometimes blend together. A promotion is due, and some sort of watercraft. I’ve taken up skeet shooting because I’m shit at hitting golf balls.
But you know what? I really enjoy wearing the pantaloons. And cleats. I can’t hit tennis balls either but you’d better believe Andre Agassi had the best hair in the biz. Image is everything, amigos. My Shaman said mullets could cure my athlete’s foot. When I ran out of pomade I used Crisco. And combined with a little dill, made an excellent salve.”
These writings will soon be published, and I can’t wait to write even more, let alone design it. Stay tuned for more juicy tidbits.
Elizabeth Gilbert is an author, sharing her experiences about the angst of being creative, and how to stay creative while being humble about it. Via TED.
